How to have a conflict.

Every once in a while we find ourselves in a situation that escalates into an argument - or worse - full on conflict. The place where, "fight or flight" kicks in. You can turn tail and run, or, dig your heels in, ball up your fists, and go for broke. I suppose there's a third option - the possum solution - go quiet and hope it blows away.

Most folks I know usually have one method and that becomes their go-to strategy. This weakens them not only in conflict, but in negotiations and personal affairs. Knowing the strategies can help you decide how you wish to engage with them and how to achieve an outcome that let's everyone involved feel like a winner.


7 Responses to Conflict
What follows are the seven strategies I have seen people use. I've ordered them from most to least toxic and have added strategies to overcome them, where appropriate.

Bully
This person is a freight train, pushing their one-sided ideas by any means necessary. They often leave a trail of pain, hurt, intimidation or humiliation in their wake. There is no attempt at seeking to understand or even hear any other points - it's their way or the highway.

Solution: I have found most bullies operate from a place of fear. Ask open-ended questions about their position to get to the root of their concerns and work to address them in the context of your ideas. In this regard, I have often been a fan of the Socratic method of asking questions that will direct their responses toward the solution that I favor. While this can be time consuming - making small moves to prod the towards the solution - it is often the best method for breaking through the one-sided resistance toward a mutually agreeable solution.

Duck!
There's nothing to this response - there is none. Effort is made to avoid the situation. Ducking phone calls, not showing up too meetings, being emotionally distant are all signs of this type of behavior. Not being present means no resolution can be achieved.

Solution: Persistence. Only when the person feels their ideas are valuable will they come out of their shell. Remaining open and willing to hear them out is often the only recourse. That said, it's still no guarantee they will wish to work with you, but you must try!

Cover!
This response presents itself as giving in, to let the other party win. This is a dangerous one, since it usually means the person is bitter inside and may seek retribution at a later time.

Solution: An awareness of your audience and an overt willingness to listen is the best preparation you can make in this case. Being open in your communication style and immediately addressing any repercussions will, over time, let them know you are aware of their method and you are working hard to come together to find common ground.

Passive-Aggressive
The duality of this message often leads to trouble, rather than being honest about their feelings. Many times the person will appear to agree though there is usually a contingency involved, and this may not be spoken. It might sound something like, "I agreed to work late on Monday to get the Filbert project out, but I assumed that meant I could come in late on Tuesday." Tuesday was never mentioned or agreed upon, and when that person wasn't available it caused issues.

Solution: Be specific. Make sure that all details are covered and address any contingencies that may be introduced by asking the person to detail what their perception of the outcome will be.

Compromise
A good compromise is a balance between each parties position. While both may gain, it is also expected that each will give-in on particular points in order to maintain the relationship. It's helpful in that both feel heard and have not given up on the important points that they want.

Solution: Remaining flexible and including other points of view will ease the way to making concessions.

Problem Solve Together
This method throws requires that individuals give up on the specific way to achieve a goal and instead partner with one another to figure out a new solution to achieve the outcome each participant desires.

Solution: Determine what's important, then wear each others shoes. Focusing on the desired outcome - from the perspective of the other person - really helps when thinking of solutions. You know what you want, incorporate the new knowledge into your thinking and you will benefit everyone.

Change your mind*
Not every situation can end with everyone getting what they want. Sometimes, you can change what it is that you want. After the facts are presented, changing your mind to what the other party wants because it is now what you want - because honoring their wishes is what you want to do. This might sound like giving in, but it's actually the opposite. Supporting the other person pleases you, because you know it will make the other party happy.

* The important thing to remember with this tactic - is that you can't save these up like bargaining chips for a later time. You give in freely because this is the person you want to be. Otherwise, it's just a Cover! move.

Negotiating is one of the best things I have the pleasure of doing. Knowing the different techniques people employ have allowed me to uncover details, feelings or motives that have lead to stronger solutions and better outcomes. I wish you the same successes - please let me know how it works for you.

Should employees be friends?

Too many leaders confuse their staff for friends. Maybe it’s the long hours in close quarters, but an employee shouldn’t be a friend, nor should they see the boss as a pal. Confusing this dynamic causes all sorts of problems – questions about loyalty and favoritism – and the need to be treated as a friend. Friends on the job forever need to be cut a break, to take time off, to come in late, a new assignment, and a myriad of other considerations that it is not often possible to grant. By contrast, friends at home never seem to ask for such consideration, which, I suppose, is why I tend to keep them at home.

This isn't to say you shouldn't be friendly toward employees - everyone deserves fairness, dignity, and respect.

How do you deal with your work relationships?

Speak softly and carry a big stick

As a leader, you “win” by default. You set the direction and tone. How you instruct others to operate, usually, is how they will operate. When determining if something went right or wrong is your call.

So don’t be a jerk.

There are few things in life more insufferable than the boss who needs to flex their, “bossness.” It never seems to motivate people to their best effort and productivity inevitably suffers. Treating staff with respect, as people, usually makes the way smoother.

Get comfy, it’s your fault

Things go wrong from time to time, no matter how much training, preparation and planning we commit to. The trick is to accept responsibility, learn from it and move forward. I know, there’s no way you can predict every particular event...but it’s still your fault!

“Bob and Debbie had an affair. Debbie’s husband found out. The subsequent divorce proceedings left Debbie without a lot of money, and she embezzled from the firm to make ends meet. That’s MY fault ?!?!?!”

Yes. When was the last time the company conduct guide was updated? When was the staff last informed of the guidelines? Do you regularly audit your books to ensure operations are running smoothly? Had you noted any changes to Debbie’s performance during her one-on-one meetings? I hope you see where I’m going here, when you’re a leader, stuff rolls uphill.

Accountability starts with the leader, so embrace the whirlwind comes your way. It shows character and provides the opportunity to make situations stronger. Once you're past it put the people, process, or technology in place to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Dungeons & Dragons and role playing games for Leaders

Last week Dave Arneson, the man who alongside Gary Gygax created Dungeons & Dragons, passed away at 61. As a young adult I spent more time then I would like to admit learning and playing the rules of this RPG (role playing game) classic. It occured to me last week as I thought about those days, that I had been secretly incorporating the rules of the Dungeon into my leadership style ever since.

You can only be one kind of hero
Arneson believed you can only be one kind of hero. The D&D player character sheet has several different sections to describe a character and their abilities each of is initially scored and decided by the roll of a die. Based on the variety of attribute scores, Ability Scores, Defenses, Hit Points, Reactions, Defenses, and Skills, a player can then decide whether they would be better suited as a Fighter, Magic-User, Cleric, or Thief. Your staff has the same basic set up. They have a role, are suited to a task, and come with additional factors which may serve, or hurt, them depending on the specifics of thei situation.

Leaders treat everyone as an individual - with their own set of skills, knowledge and experience. It’s easy to see who can carry the load of the job description. Usually folks are in their job because they can do it. It takes time and observation to determine who is great under pressure, who handles customers best, and who can sell any idea to anyone. I have a grid of skills that are important to the work that I do and I rate the team against those skills - are they good at Presenting? Can they use Photoshop? Have they ever influenced sales? Can they manage a project?

I keep my list to myself - experience has taught me that considering the corporate staples of job performance, quarterly reviews, one on ones, and other employee management systems we are bound to, they just don’t want to have the pressure of another one. But here’s where the D&D Player Character sheet is useful - targeting areas for growth.

As a leader you are measured by the results you can produced. This directly correlates to your people and their ability to perform the tasks needed to achieve those results. In taking the time to develop your list of skill priorities - as they relate to your job - you can manage your team towards developing those abilities. Or you can recognize those who excel in certain aspects. And you can easily determine who may just not fit - and manage them accordingly.

With adventure comes experience and power
For me, every day in the office is like playing a different D&D adventure. Every day there are new challenges. Some times the challenge is to perform - to meet a deadline, to land a client, to negotiate a win. Other days are zen challenges - to look in the face of something daunting and to see something great, to make a difference. But with each day, with each adventure, you and your team can walk away with skills, attitudes, and learnings. These experiences are essential to growth.

A few years ago I hired a contractor on one of my teams and she was an incredible designer. She created intricate and beautiful designs with ease, and this quickly gained senior leaderships attention. She was also extremely shy. Being asked to stand up and be recognized for her efforts at a quarterly meeting almost caused her to pass out. Noting this on her, “Player Character sheet,” I created an opportunity in her team meeting - a small group setting of six people - to present her technique. I assumed this would be a non-threatening way for her to speak in front of a team she is familiar with and gain experience in presenting. As assumptions some times go, it didn’t go well. She flustered, stammered, and finally walked away unable to present. I brought her aside and coached her, asking if this is something she wanted, encouraging her to take this as a growth experience and to determine, for herself, if this is something she wanted. I’m pleased to say she came back a few days later asking for the chance to speak again, and she did a great job. She has been improving by leaps and bounds ever since.

Presenting challenges creates the adventure for your staff. And with each outcome comes experience that allows your team the opportunity to grow and succeed.

Choose your party carefully
In your RPG party, the mix of characters is important. Having a party full of Fighters is great when in battle, but if you forgot to bring along a Cleric or Magic-User to heal them when things aren’t going so well...can lead to a bunch of dead Fighters. The same is true with your staff. Focusing too heavily on one area - let’s say execution - will do very little for you if you don’t have someone on staff scheduling the work, balancing the load, or managing the deliverables. Cross-training your team to be able to fill in to key functions is essential to ensuring that work continues to move smoothly when someone calls out sick, the workload is high, or when the unforeseen occurs.

Personality matters
During the adventure, things often happen that you never expect. Based on your characters alignment - how they operate in the world - can significantly affect the outcome. If you are suddenly descended upon by a horde of Orcs do you fight, negotiate, or try to run? Sure, knowing the members of your team you’ll likely know who the right person for each task is - and this will get you through 80% of your adventure. But this can’t be your only rule for play. Sometimes, the unexpected happens. Knowing how your team will respond and how they address certain situations allows you to create opportunities. Use these times to your party’s best advantage and let folks shine. And that is a winning plan both in and out of the Dungeon.

Don't let go until it's done

As a corollary to yesterday's post, I'll follow up with the second half of the equation, not letting something go until I have "finished" it. By this I mean putting it in its place. To compensate for a forgetful streak I developed a habit of putting things in specific places. For example, my car keys will only ever be in one of three places when not being used, the door, the dining room sideboard, or my messenger bag. Thanks to this, I rarely misplace my keys.

With other things, mail, notes, magazines, found objects, and any number of other items I wasn't having much success until I decided to cultivate a new habit - touching these things as seldom as possible by putting them away - filing, stowing, or chucking as soon as I have laid my hands on them. I used to have tons of unfiled mail which I let stack up under the auspices of "not having enough time," and which I could never find when I needed. And then there was the mammoth project that lay ahead once I did get around to it.

Now I make sure that once it hits my hands it doesn't leave until it is put away. If I grab a screwdriver to fix a door knob, I make sure I put it back. If it's mail, I make sure to open it, look at it, take out the junk - I mean solicitations - and put it where it belongs. This could be the to read, to pay, or to recycle files at my desk. My folks never explained why I need to put my toys back when I was done, but I see now that it really does make things easier, if not more peaceful!

What tricks do you use for keeping order?

The power of right now

Several years ago I was introduced to The Productivity Handbook: New ways of leveraging your time, information, and communications by Donald Wetmore. It was a book that changed my life in that it allowed me to see just what an unorganized boob I was. I read the book from cover to cover, stopping only to work, eat, and work some more. I read in the morning. I read before I went to sleep. I read everywhere. One day I was admonished by a security guard in my building who saw me reading while crossing the street. Perhaps I took my new found productivity too far?

I kept lists. Scores of lists - things to do, places to see, skills to master, book and music to procure, ideas to write about, inventions to build, the lists - and the notebooks that contain them - are legion. And those were just my personal lists. There were work lists too. The lists themselves served an obvious purpose - to place thoughts into a referenceable state so I do something with them at some later point. Which was “almost” guaranteed to happen - once I found the notebook and made time to take care of the chore.

From the volume of tasks I had amassed in a number of locations it became obvious not everything could get done, and not everything should get done. Some of the ideas were bad ones, to say the least. It turns out I kept myself busy with list making in an attempt to ensure I was productive. But if the items never belonged on the list, or never made it off the list, was I really productive?

Clearly, being busy is not the same thing as being productive.

Somewhere out of all the mental clutter, I came upon a simple solution that always helps get m,e squeeze the most out of my time.

The two-minute rule.
If something can be done in two minutes or less, it gets done without delay. I started doing this and noticed the benefits right away. Making a call I dreaded meant I would soon put it in the rear-view mirror. Putting things away meant they wouldn’t be in my way later. Paying bills as soon as they arrived resulted in, well, paid bills! An added bonus is the great feeling that comes with really accomplishing things.

Oh, I still keep lists for those things that take more than five minutes. Each entry is prioritized and evaluated in a way that I hope makes Donald Wetmore proud!